COLLEEN:
As I journeyed through my 20s, my sister Claire became my go-to for life’s transitions. Three years younger than me, we continued to get closer as we grew up, but there was a piece of her that she held tight to her chest. It’s as if there was a one-way screen. I often tried to reach through to her, but she never fully relinquished whatever was so clearly holding her in.
CLAIRE:
I’ll always celebrate October 26th, 2018.
I was in New Orleans with my family for Voodoo Fest, a large music festival hosted yearly on Halloween weekend. It was the first time in a couple of months that my family came together, and almost a half of a year since we’d seen Colleen. As soon as she arrived, we ran upstairs, shook out the clothes we packed, and chose which outfits to swap with each other (we’ve gotten better at sharing over the years). We put our bags away and went downstairs to take pre-festival pictures with our brothers and their friends. We swung on my cousin's colorfully painted porch and previewed the festival line up.
As soon as we put a dent in the mini keg, we filled up roadies and started walking to the fest. The boys rushed ahead while Colleen and I faded back, dragging our feet, sipping beer, and catching up on life. There was just enough fall crispness to keep us from sweating, a rare levity to the city’s usual humidity.
COLLEEN:
A defining moment is always the walk from my cousin’s house to the festival in New Orleans City Park. It feels like the weekend truly begins. The sun is present, yet fading through mossy oak trees. There’s a jolt of stimulation that rivals New York. Even if you aren’t passing a street performer, listening to a musician at a bar, or playing music from the veranda, there’s a rhythm that echoes from all corners of New Orleans, enveloping you in its charm.
As Claire and I converged with the rest of the festival-goers, she paused on a detail about seeing someone. I couldn’t tell if it was just me and the city’s magic or if Claire seemed lighter. I faced her to stop as something in her voice shook, and then Claire broke through her screen.
CLAIRE:
I didn’t plan on coming out, but the walk brought a sense of ease. I felt us heading in a direction where it might be possible. As we neared the entrance, my thoughts raced. “I don’t want to, this is going to change everything,” and then, “you need to get it off your chest now, you might not get this chance again.”
My hands clammed up and started shaking so I ditched my cup. The once cool weather suddenly felt 110 degrees. My chest was tight, my throat dry, and I mumbled, “I have a crush on someone new.” As I heard the words, my eyes started to water. I was halfway there.
I stopped in my tracks and so did Colleen (dramatic of us, looking back), and then what felt like a lifetime (but was probably 20 seconds) followed up with, “a girl.”
Colleen stared as if she didn’t hear me, and then I watched a wave of relief fall over her as my news registered. She wrapped her arms around me, hugging tight, and the fears that gripped my head and body fell away. “There was always something I could never reach with you. I’m so happy for you Bear.”
People in Halloween costumes stormed the festival gates. We were in the eye of a tornado. “Move to New York and date everyone and anyone.” (She’s always plugging NYC).
Colleen then asked me all sorts of questions about dating girls. It’s hard to put into words what her receptivity did for me at that moment. I think therapists call it “creating a safe space” except we had three large Teletubbies and a man in a carrot costume stumbling around us. I felt like I was breaking open. Her genuine curiosity and excitement unlocked a conversation that I never imagined sharing with anyone.
Eventually, we made it in, met the boys at Third Eye Blind, and screamed and jumped to Semi-Charmed Life. My cheeks and legs were a new level of soreness. I looked at Colleen throughout the remainder of that weekend and thought to myself “she knows my secret,” and it felt simultaneously freeing yet safe.
October 26th was the first day of my life as Claire- someone who loves people because they are amazing and beautiful, not because they are male or female.
After the trip, I slowly came out to the rest of my family and friends. For so long I hid a piece of myself. The process of revealing led my relationships towards a depth I never knew existed. Vulnerability and honesty is the only way to open the doors for true and real connection. This type of love is palpable. I feel it on my skin.
Even with a positive support system, it’s still difficult to navigate being “different.” I’ve loved men and women, so I don’t identify as gay, yet still have to explain who I love or how I identify. Coming out isn’t a one-and-done event. I think about being accepted before taking a new set of clients out. I wonder if I should tell the doctor we’re dating, when he keeps calling me “a really supportive friend” while I wait for my girlfriend Sarah to get a shot.
The adversity I face makes me empathize with others who don’t have the same foundational support. How much harder is someone’s journey who faced negative reactions, especially at the beginning? How would they think of themselves and treat themselves? How would they ultimately then treat others if they weren’t given the same respect?
Both positive or negative interactions, no matter how insignificant they seem, are lasting, especially to people experiencing doubt or internal struggles. How often do we stay open-minded to people who live differently than us? The black and Queer poet Audre Lorde said, “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”
Below are some positive interactions that allowed me to embrace and accept myself as I am. Interactions can be as quick as text or as loud as an LBGTQ sign on a front lawn. These interactions are championing and life-saving.
LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL: My sister not only accepting me but validating and supporting me every single day.
LOVE IS BRAVE: My first love and boyfriend of 5 years saying, “you don’t need to apologize for being you. You are strong and you deserve to be happy.”
LOVE IS AWKWARD: My Dad bringing up sexuality (yes, you heard that right...) and telling me, “I don’t give a damn who you love. I’m just proud and happy you’re capable of feeling deeply and being able to love, that’s what matters to me.”
LOVE IS HARD: Same-sex marriage is only legal in under 15% of the world (only 29 countries out of 195).
LOVE IS TRANSFORMING: My friend group sending a text that says: “We’re having a group dinner- boyfriends and girlfriends invited!”
LOVE IS LEARNING: My mom teaching me about famous Queer authors and visionaries. Printing out articles relevant to LGBTQ. Hanging a Pride sign in her front yard that says her home welcomes everyone.
LOVE IS LOVE: I believe sexuality is a spectrum and everyone is on it. Whether you are straight, gay, bi, or something that doesn’t have or need a label, CELEBRATE yourself and your love because you only have one life. By living more authentically as you, you will inspire others and encourage bravery :)
Several parts about Claire’s journey were eye-opening to me, even as her sister, like what affected her then, and what she and the community face daily. She recommends this article on heterosexual privilege and becoming an ally.
Writing can put a beautiful memory into words, uncover deeper meanings to our lives, help us flatten our fears, or shift a long-held unhelpful belief. Writing doesn’t have to be edited or make sense to anyone but ourselves, in order to be impactful. I’m hosting two free popup journaling sessions for non-writers and writers. We’ll do a brief centering exercise and then free-write. Sessions are about ~20min. Sign up below:
Sign Up for Session One: WED 7/21 (8 pm EST)
Sign Up for Session Two: TUES 7/27 (8 pm EST)
Love is...
Beautiful story. I love the dialogue format, in which each of you speaks, says your part, and has space to reflect in your own words, from your unique point of view. Yay LoVE.
So beautiful. I have tears streaming down my face as I read this and feel the love between two sisters and their very special family. ❤️❤️❤️🌈